Factual stories: nensondubois

[ugetab]

Nensondubois made an agreement with me by his actions. He has failed to live up to his end of the bargain, hence, he has declared his life and all of the facts surrounding it to be a matter of open discussion. All of what follows are simple, straight-forward, and sometimes colorfully worded accounts of him, his actions, or things that he revealed in chat while in such a heavily drunken stupor, that he doesn't recall talking about. He is not to be trusted as a source of information at this point, as he is no longer healthy enough to imbibe the necessary levels of alcohol to induce honesty. He is to be distrusted, and all those communicating with him are to be warned against believing his lies, or any statements that contradict the immutable truths and facts about him that appear in these posts.

For starters, you should know a little about this 'nensondubois' character, and all of the unconscionable and/or totally illogical activities he is engaged in. Quite simply, you must be wary of this one. Ever since he started buying and killing pet hamsters, he's made outlandish claims, and illogical non-sequiturs that drive people crazy when they attempt to apply the same amount of logic to his emotionally based statements as they do to rational people's posts.

With his anti-mullet(long hair on the sides, bald in the middle), and excessive weight that borders on putrid, he's been unable to gain any experience with normal social interactions, and has thus centered all positive ideas expressed around him to himself, and all negative ideas on the first other person he can.

Even though he's a verified Scientologist, having converted from a Young Earth Creationist, he seems to have a bare minimum grasp of technology.

The fact that he believes that computers require a live goldfish to be in place on top of the monitor to ward of negative thetans is bizarre, if I may make mention of the trait. His reasoning is that the thetans induce spelling and grammar mistakes into the messages he types, and treats naming them as a taboo, believing that they gain strength if people know about them. He seems unable to grasp the finer points of how logic and reasoning function, despite repeated attempts to educate him.

His unfortunate fetish involving cars, rolls of nickels, mustard, and post-it notes in some unknown combination has led to an inability to get a girlfriend. This, in turn, has led to some rather long and often internally inconsistent rants that would be embarrassing for anyone of a typical mentality to post.

All of these factors add up to make him unsuitable for any manner of socialization, and prevent any of his ideas from having merit based on his reasoning, or in his case, lack there-of.

[ugetab]

This report was assembled by top scientists in order to combat one of the most substantial plagues of our time:

There is an internet user who goes by the pseudonym of nensondubois. This fairly illiterate creature of the web is an overweight example of the virgin-nerd subspecies of human. Unlike geeks, who have technical skills, the virgin-nerd is totally enraptured with his own fantasy world, to the point of it overriding the physical world in most cases. This accounts for his forced virginity.

Complicating an otherwise straight-forward definition of it's characters, this particular individual is completely oblivious to any wants or needs beyond those in the creature's own psyche. It's inability to use deductive reasoning makes it hard to comprehend the mental state of the creature. It lacks a defining characteristic of it's own, and will attempt to redirect the rightful credit for achievements from active participants in the achievement, such that the creature appears in a better light, and so it appears superior to it's supposed peers.

A matching trait of this creature is that it will attempt to deflect it's failures and shortcomings onto any other possible entity, whether animate or inanimate, in order to prevent a reduction in the prestige that it believes it deserves.

Helping along the basic tenants of it's simplistic, self-centered sociability is that it is both vertically challenged, while at the same time being horizontally excessive. Such combinations would merely be off-putting if it was not also both physically, psychologically, and developmentally deformed. These added characteristics enable the creature to be considered 'putrid' in layman's terms.

Despite the amount of influence that has gone into it's attempts at distinguishing itself among it's merely 'disgusting' peers, it has made many attempts at increasing the amount of communication it has with the human race as a whole. It is unknown why it attempts this communication, but leading theories suggest that it is either incompetent to understand it's own horrific nature, or that it is attempting to spread disgust throughout the largest portion of the naturally occurring population possible.

It has been suggested that ignoring the creature would make it wither and die, or at least cease communication, but attempts to apply this method have proven to be ineffective.

It is our hope that, with the help of a dedicated team, we will be able to eradicate this hideous presence from all sectors. With continued support, there will be little chance for a recurrence of nensondubois, and the absence of this creature/disease will enable a vastly improved rate of cure discoveries, a reduces sensitivity to toxins, a 30% lower chance of global thermal nuclear warfare, more food, less poverty, peace in the middle east, greater American patriotism, acceptance between the religious and the non-religious, improved public education programs, realistic government health care options, and a greater likelihood of finding unicorns crapping gold in people's back yard.

[MIR]

O.o? wow. sounds like Ben

[ugetab]

One of the documentaries on wild animals available documents the early life of nensondubois. It was raised by a pair of inter-species homosexuals, notably, an ostrich and a cucumber. It should be noted that, of the two, the cucumber displayed greater intelligence during testing.

It is thought that nensondubois hatched out of a pumpkin, but it's equally likely that it spontaneously assembled from the dung of an overweight toad. The first theory makes more sense, though the second has the merit of explaining it's ever-present smell and disproportionate height-to-width ratio.

The creature's parents appeared to treasure nensondubois like a pirate treasures gold, in-so-far as there were several attempts made by them to bury or sink nensondubois during the years they cared for their supposed hatchling.

Though they treated nensondubois like treasure, the creature soon became too wide to reasonably expect to bury, and too boyant to reasonably expect to sink. This had the effect that the two parents cared for it until it was too big to haul around with them. It was at this point that nensondubois consumed all of the meat off of the ostrich, however, given the cucumber's intelligence, and the fact that it had no fat on it to consume, nensondubois ignored it while feasting on the meat, and paid it no mind when it was done with it's meal.

It was at this point that the creature adopted a more capable set of human hosts at the threat of eating them alive. The two humans realized far quicker that burying or sinking nensondubois would be beyond them, and all attempts to lock nensondubois up ended with the creature slipping out through the narrowest of spaces, much the way an octopus does. The main difference is that nensondubois has no beak to restrict the size of the space it can fit through. This led to one final attempt to seal nensondubois in a glass container, but this proved to be fruitless, because the glass was unable to contain it's massive outpouring girth.

Unfortunately, the documentary ended soon after this. The only further confirmed data from the documentary was that nensondubois retained an insatiable lust for pure fat, and possibly meat. The proof was when the camera-man filming the beast was eaten buttocks first, and the rest of the devouring was only partially filmed. Luckily, the camera survived the documenter's death with only blood stains and dried saliva from having been tasted and rejected as a food source.

It is unknown what the creature is currently doing, because any attack by a wild animal bears the same hallmarks as an attack by nensondubois. If the world is lucky, nensondubois will choke on it's next meal, and be discovered in time for a reasonable autopsy to help understand how to avoid more of it's type from spawning. Failing this, drastic measures may have to be taken to inoculate people against this contagious agent, while the toxins and radiation emitted by it may be able to be shielded against with less than 8 inches of steel plated lead.

If you have any information capable of leading to the destruction of nensondubois, it would be advisable to inform someone prepared to follow such information to it's logical conclusion.

[MIR]

some one must have ticked you off. :S